‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello what have ‘ave we got here then?’ Police Certificate Arrives – I’m all clear!

So it’s been a week for post.  I find the Police Certificate to be quite amusing really. It has a very officious look to it so you sort of feel like you are getting your money’s worth!  It has both a water mark, a deeply unattractive photo of me, a fine looking silver embossed badge at the bottom (like the sort of thing you get on a bank card), and enough personal details for any crook to steal my identity into the bargain.

It arrives through standard first class post – I could have paid extra for recorded express delivery, but I was ground down by constant additional payments so just trusted it to Royal Mail and it came quickly and undamaged.  For the record, once I knew what to ask for, this was actually the speediest part of the whole bureaucratic process to date.  It was a bit creased from it’s final journey through my letter box, but basically ok.  Precautionary paranoia prevents me uploading it in any very accessible form, but you’ll get the general idea – my self-portrait is actually a pretty good likeness!  (You aren’t allowed to smile in passport photos remember…)

So right now I’m just waiting for a letter from my GP regarding a health check, and then hopefully, I’m good to go.  The next mental anguish will be how to keep all of these vital documents safe in transit.  I have scanned them all, and uploaded them to a Google cloud site in a fit of uncharacteristic techno savviness that will leave anyone who actually knows me aghast and demanding to know where the original me has gone and how the forcible abduction and personality transplant has been achieved.  It’s amazing what you can learn how to do out of necessity.  I’m still not supremely confident with Google cloud, but I am persuaded it is a great way to ensure I can access potentially useful resources from overseas, and if I am unlucky enough to lose passports or other documentation, at least i’ll be able to get hold of copies.

Criminal Clearance? Riddle two to solve en route to Vietnam …

According to the Vietnamese Government’s requirements, we will need the following documents from you:
1. Legalized copy of your degree(s). Please have your BA and MA diplomas legalized at any Vietnamese embassy/consulates in the UK.
2. Criminal Report/Police report/background report which is certified by your local police.
3. Health check

So, challenge two is to work out what on earth is meant by the Criminal Report.  My immediate presumption was that it must be what used to be a CRB check, but now is known as the DBS – Disclosure and Barring Service – however, a quick look at the website shows, as I suspected, that application for this is not by the employee, but by the employer.

I then did a lot of phoning around, starting with the 101 non emergency number, which put me through initially to a different CRB dept where someone advised me that this was wrong and I was transferred again, and again, and again.  Eventually though I spoke to a lovely person, who had herself been to Vietnam some years ago and was enthusiastic about trying to point me in the right direction.  The upshot of this is that I was told what I really needed was something called a Subject Access Report, which involved completing paperwork, and paying a fee, and could take ‘up to 40 days to process’.  This does not bode well, but is not something I can control.  Again I try and contact my host and ask if this is what they want and explain the length of time it might take to process.  Silence.  It does feel like screaming into the void.

I complete the paperwork, I provide proof of ID and addressees for the last 10 years,  I write out another cheque for £10, (I really do feel like this process is making me haemorrhage money) I note the delivery address and briefly consider driving the hour or so it will take me to drop it off in person.  I decide against it, the address is an industrial estate and in likelihood a processing centre only where I might not even be able to gain access.  I enclose a pleading letter and hope for the best in terms of a speedy turn around

Today I get a phone call. The bad news is that I am told that I have asked for completely the wrong thing, this is not the right department, or the right form or the right request.  The good news is that the nice woman who took the time to phone me has understood my urgency and directs me to acro instead.  I am given a phone number 0845 6013999 (which basically directs me to their website) and their website too.  I need to complete an FAR1 form it seems.  What deeper circle of hell is this I wonder?

I find the website, I find the form (I think – it doesn’t have any helpful reference number on it, only a scary warning about how an invalid form can cause delays.) I could weep, another £45 – or £80 for express service, and then another £9 on top for recorded delivery and extra again for multiple copies of any police clearance – plus I need passport photos, plus I need to find someone from a particular occupation list to verify this for me.  The list of occupations is bizarre and include the usual suspects ‘barristers, doctors, airline pilot’ but also ‘veterinary nurses and auctioneers’.  This list does not correspond to anyone in particular in my personal network.  Everything seems stacked against this trip.  Ironically I do know people in most of these professions but not for the two years’ minimum period, and others I might have approached I no longer share a city with.  I’m also hesitant as to whether this is the right thing to apply for at all in any event.  It doesn’t fit the bill for local police approval, but then again, that statement never did really stack up as the appropriate criteria.

Aaargh, so my next tasks are to get some up to date passport photos – which I need to do anyway, find someone to vouch for them, complete more paperwork and spend more money.  At this rate I’ll be destitute before I ever leave the country.  I wish my host would communicate with me.  I’m stumping up a lot of time and energy in pursuit of this, but beginning to wonder if I’m delusional for thinking this trip is even possible.  I did eventually try the advice line number again, and a very helpful individual confirmed that the ‘police certificate’ is the most likely document as it is the one usually supplied for visa applications to countries various – Canada, New Zealand, South Africa… however, no such agreement exists with Vietnam so no guarantee this is the right form.    I am told though, that this is ‘the most official looking’ of the documents, it has been issued over 100 times last year and accepted by the Vietnamese government/embassy so I think all I can do is bite the proverbial bullet and give it a go.

I think it’s absolutely fair to acknowledge when I signed up for this the greatest incentive to go was that I’d get to leave my current job, alas right now frying pans and fires and filling my thoughts…. ah well, I’ll find out one way or the other if I’ve jumped rashly or wisely!  Watch this space.